First, is there some way I can get HP to fire me? Seriously – I don’t even need the $45M they paid Carly Fiorina to go away. Give me, say, $2M and I swear, you’ll never hear from me again.

In return, I’ll guarantee you more in the way of measurable results than Carly ever did. For a mere $2M up front, I can assure you that I will not drive down the value of the stock, raise questions about my management abilities, or incur the wrath of shareholders. I will make no bad decisions of any sort.

On the whole, I represent a significantly better ROI proposition (that’s “return on investment” for you unwashed types) than Fiorina did, and let’s be honest – this is probably a better deal than you’ll get out of whoever you hire to replace her, too.

[sigh] $45M for performing so poorly that they had to turf your lame ass. Remember this the next time you read that HP is laying off workers, moving to cuts costs, etc.