Many of you may remember my innovative reality show idea from several weeks back, Chimp My Ride. The concept was as simple as it was brilliant: each week, a lucky but unwitting average American has his/her car tricked out by a garage full of chimpanzees. Can you smell the revenue?

Well, the Ca$h Ma¢hin€ is back, folks, with three new guaranteed ratings bonanzas:

• Show Me the Monkey: Primetime game show concept for Animal Planet; contestants answer progressively more difficult questions for cash and prizes. Gimmick is that instead of sexy fitness models, the show employs scantily clad apes.
• The Bar Guys: Radio talker, designed to follow NPR’s landmark The Car Guys. Two bar owners from Southie take audience calls about bar-related problems, including cocktail recipes, beer advice, failed pick-up lines and effective closing time strategies.
• Feel or No Feel: Adult-themed game show. Contestants compete for the right to fondle each other.
• American Midol: Pop diva wannabes kick the mortal shit out of Simon Cowell. (I’m not married to the American Midol model here – basically, I’m open to exploring any concept that involves kicking the shit out of Simon Cowell.)

If anybody reading this is a big Hollywood producer, just call my agent. He’ll send a dump truck right over to pick up the money.

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