I, Sam Smith, hereby pledge not to apologize, now or ever, because somebody else is an idiot.

This bit from ESPN.com illustrates how stupid we’ve gotten here in the Puritan States of America:

Cavs’ Pollard apologizes for on-air remark
Associated Press

CLEVELAND — Cleveland Cavaliers center Scot Pollard looked into the camera during a recent game and said, “Hey kids, do drugs.”

Pollard was sitting on the bench in street clothes when he made the remark during a 20-second timeout Sunday against Indiana. The Cavaliers didn’t find it funny.

“We have spoken with Scot and certainly do not condone his actions,” general manager Danny Ferry said in a statement Wednesday. “He regrets his mistake, using inappropriate humor, particularly when he has always been very involved in the community, projecting positive messages to our youth. We will handle the issue internally.”

“It was a bad joke,” Pollard said in Thursday editions of The Plain Dealer. “That’s all it boils down to. There are a number of things people could say about it, but it just turned out it was a bad joke. Obviously, I don’t believe that.” (Story.)

So, what are we talking about here? Do we:

• Think he was serious?
• Think kids out there thought he was serious? Think that kids might start doing drugs because of the joke?
• Think that there are some things you just don’t joke about, and drugs are on the list? (If so, can I get a copy of that list?)

My apologies for the repeated use of “think” there, because clearly, a lot of folks aren’t capable of thinking.

Let me take these one at a time. If you think he was serious (hell, even if he made his living as a dope dealer, he wouldn’t say that to a camera in seriousness) then you’re probably not bright enough to be trusted with anything more dangerous than string, and you should be relieved of your job today. (And this goes for Danny Ferry, who should have studied harder while he was at Duke, as well as whoever ordered him to put out a statement announcing to the world that he was a moron.)

If you think that kids thought he was serious and are now desperately looking for a dealer so they can Be Like Scot, then maybe you need to pay less attention to gay marriage and more attention to, you know, education. In truth, there are probably kids out there who maybe did think he was serious, but if so, let’s remember that the function of Darwinism is to make the herd stronger and smarter. I will not apologize for saying this.

And if you believe that we just can’t joke about that, then you need to get over yourself. Most folks with IQs in the upper 60th percentile can tell when you’re joking if it’s this obvious, and our mad crusade to purify all public utterances is proof of how goddamned stupid we’ve gotten.

Do I want the NBA and its member clubs making sure that all player jokes are pre-screened by Sister Betty Bowers at Landover Baptist? No. I would love it if they’d look into some other stuff, though. Like, how come the league’s premier recidivist, Ron Artest, was back in uniform five days after being arrested for abusing a woman? What are we waiting for with this 6th-rate waste of skin, anyway? I want to know how come the league puts up with the embarrassment of Ruben Patterson, a rapist (excuse me – I think that got pleaded down to attempted rape and he only served 15 days) and serial woman beater who has to register as a sex offender when he gets traded. What about Qyntel Woods, who’s been arrested for pit bull fighting? (Would I have to apologize if I joked that I approve of pit bull fighting so long as they’re fighting him?) Courtney Alexander and Kwame Brown (domestic abuse)? The list goes on. And on. And on. Just Google “NBA criminal.”

It’s a rare day when I don’t say something worse than what Pollard said. Those who know me know that I have a mean sense of humor that relies on sarcasm, parody, satire and other varieties of making a point by saying the opposite of what I mean and mocking the voice and words of those who really are offensive. I’m fighting off the urge, even as I type, to rip off a crack about how Artest’s bitch must have had it coming, and if I did and you got all indignant because I was advocating domestic violence, that would prove that you were an idiot. (Hint – when smart people say things that ludicrous, using words and language they never use and giving voice to things they clearly don’t believe, they’re making fun of the kinds of people who actually do think that way. Write it down in case you’re ever an NBA executive.)

I’m sick of the dumbing down of our culture on every level, and that includes the prohibition against saying anything that might be misconstrued by a drooling asswit. If people can’t parse basic rhetoric and grasp the valuable role that humor – even biting, dark, cynical humor – plays in our ability to describe, critique and reform our intellectual landscape, the solution isn’t a muzzle, it’s better teaching. When Swift wrote “A Modest Proposal,” he was criticized for writing in bad taste and some people apparently thought he was serious about eating Irish babies. You’d think that we’d have learned a trick or two in the intervening 278 years, but maybe not. I’m not suggesting that Scot Pollard is Jonathan Swift and I know I’m not that gifted a social critic, but the general principle holds.

Scot, you having nothing to be sorry for. But the Cleveland Cavaliers front office owes us all a huge apology for insulting our intelligence and helping contribute to our seemingly endless slide into an abyss of inanity.

Meanwhile, pro sports leagues that want to run seminars on rhetorical propriety can check back once they rid their rosters of Crips and Bloods. In the meantime, shut the fuck up.

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