Of courier bags and man-purses: women have been right all along
I don’t care if you stuff your pockets until it looks like you’re smuggling carburetors. If you’re too macho to carry a bag, that’s your issue.
I can imagine how the conversation would go. My father is still alive and it’s Thanksgiving. We’re having dinner at his place. I walk in, say hello to everyone, and he draws a bead on my latest purchase.
“Nice purse,” he says.
“It’s not a purse, jackass. It’s a courier bag.”
“It sure looks like a purse to me.”
Back and forth we go. I explain that I live in a real city and I don’t expect his redneck ass to understand how the 21st century works. He smirks and does his limp-wristed gay cliché impression, which is as embarrassingly executed as it is offensive. But he thinks he’s hysterical.
Who am I kidding? I’d have more luck explaining Chaos Theory to a Labradoodle. What I do instead is tell him I paid $150 for it just to piss him off.
That’s the bag in question above. Sweet, huh? As you can see, it’s a Timbuk2, and yes, I paid a little extra for the Colorado flag patch.
More and more guys are carrying bags these days, for a couple reasons. First, it’s stylish – at least it is here in the 5280, where it connotes active and outdoors and biking around town and our general pride in the fact that we live in the coolest damned city in America.
Second, it’s so fucking practical.
Here’s where I think we all need to take a moment to acknowledge that women have had it right all along. We all have things to carry, and if you’re a man the logistics can be a pain. Literally, in some cases. Only so much will fit in a wallet, and packing an overstuffed bifold in your back pocket is not only not a great look, it’s uncomfortable as hell when you sit down. I personally got sick of feeling like I was sitting on the side of a hill every time I parked it.
And where do you put your keys? I don’t know about you, but I have a house key, a truck key, a truck cab key, a bike lock key, a mailbox key, a truck toolbox key, and a couple other keys that I’m sure go to something important, even if I’m not sure what. Plus there’s the electronic entry fob for the truck. Oh, and a bottle opener. Duh. And the carabiner holding it all together. Stuff all that in your front pocket and women will cross the street to avoid you.
Cargos help a little with basic carrying capacity, but if you aren’t careful you wind up looking even more … encumbered.
These are just the compulsories. I also carry a Nikon point & shoot (plus a mini-tripod). I need to keep certain medications at hand, so I have a little Swiss Army zip-case for that. )As long as I have the zip case, why not keep a spare set of nail clippers and a file in there, because you know how bad it sucks when you get a chipped nail and don’t have a way to trim it, right? What else? Oh, right – I have some of those plastic toothpick/floss combo doohickeys in case I get some steak stuck between the molars.) Just imagine if I also had hair to worry about.
I know, at some point in that last graf I segued from critical necessity over into the frivolously cosmetic, but it’s 2016 and I don’t owe you or my father an explanation.
Daddy would have died before carrying a bag, even if it was crafted from the nutsack of a Grizzly that he’d killed with his own hands. But I remember how fashionable he always imagined himself to be. It never occurred to him that he looked like he had a Halliburton in his back pocket.
Women have always had things that needed carrying and the whole purse/pocketbook approach is the most sensible solution in the history of the human race. I’m way past insecurity about my masculinity and if somebody wants to crack wise about my “man purse,” have at it.
Just don’t hate me because I look good. You’re better than that.