Monthly Archives: June 2018

Trump’s GOP: the Family Feud party

Welcome to the GOP Family Feud, where there’s no answer so bad it won’t elicit enthusiastic, unanimous support.

Ever watch Family Feud?

It seems like this moment happens in every show. The question is something like “name a popular item of men’s clothing.” Turtle, the patriarch of the Gopfluffer family, hits the button and guesses “shirt.”

[BING]

That’s the #1 answer!

The host (there have been several but it’s always Richard Dawson in my mind) moves down the next member of the family, Turtle’s slick-talking boy Paul. He guesses “pants,” which is correct.

But then the wheels fly off. Brother Mike guesses “clerical vestments.”

family feud

Mike can’t believe that isn’t on the list and neither can the rest of the family.

Aunt Ann, who suffers from a touch of Tourette’s, guesses “faggot liberal waistcoats.” Again, incorrect. And now the team has two strikes. One more incorrect guess and the Dino family can steal.

Unfortunately, the Gopfluffers could only round up four smart family members to be on the show, and as a result had to drag along Donnie, their drooling, orange-faced lackwit of a cousin.

Richard says “Donnie, it’s all up to you. One answer left. Give me a popular item of men’s clothing.”

Donnie stares blankly into space. The rest of the family holds its breath. Finally Donnie blurts out “STUDDED LEATHER THONGS!”

The entire studio falls silent for a couple of beats. Dawson arches an eyebrow and cuts a sideglance at the camera.

Then out of nowhere Ann starts clapping and yelling “GOOD ANSWER! GOOD ANSWER!” The rest of the family quickly joins in, clapping furiously and agreeing that indeed, Donnie has offered up a good answer.

Richard leans over and rests an elbow on the desk in front of Donnie. “So, studded leather thong, huh? I have to admit, that one had not occurred to me.” The laugh track is howling by now.

“MY ANSWER IS THE BEST ANSWER EVER, DAWSON. YOU’RE A LOSER! SAD!”

Okay, says Richard, turning to the big board. “Show me ‘studded leather thong!'”

This is how the current iteration of the Republican party operates. Periodically President Donald will say something so stupid, so malevolently dishonest, so eye-wateringly offensive (to women, to minorities, to our allies, to our global competitors, to anyone with a soul, etc.) that the whole world seems momentarily stunned.

His fellow Republicans are speechless. Some of them may have enough decency to know it’s terrible what he just said. Others agree with him but wish he’d stop saying it out loud because they’re trying to get re-elected. In any case, there’s a pregnant moment where we’re waiting to see what happens.

Then some Republican or other starts clapping and yelling “GOOD ANSWER!” Next thing you know, the whole family has joined in. I mean, a few might go on record chastising President Don, but at the very next opportunity they vote exactly how he tells them to.

Welcome to the GOP Family Feud, where there’s no answer so bad it won’t elicit enthusiastic, unanimous support.

And now our next round. We surveyed 100 audience members and asked for their answers to this question: What should America do about immigration?

ESPN: All Tiger, all the time

Oh, look. It’s US Open week. Let the fluffing begin.

ESPN.com - the all-Tiger-all-the-time network

And away we go.

Today the top story is that Tiger won the tournament a long time ago.

If Tiger wins this week, that will be the top story. If he finishes 30th, the story will be that he’s the reason the winner won. If we nuke Canada, the story will be how he played in Canada once.

If Jesus returns, the story will be that he came back to watch Tiger.

And now, the daily wagering proposition: if Tiger isn’t in first after the third round, how many paragraphs into the ESPN recap will you have to read to find out who’s leading?

Official S&R over/under: 3½.

Fun with headlines: the case of the dancing, backflipping, accidentally discharging FBI agent

Wanted: copy desk editor. No experience required.

By now you’ve probably seen the story. An off-duty FBI agent was dancing – and I use that term in its loosest possible sense – at a club up in RiNo (that’s the River North district in Denver for you non-5280ers). He tried a backflip. He failed. His gun fell out. He tried to pick it up. It went off. Shot a guy in the leg. Viral video hilarity ensued. Read more

Golf Report: Old white guy calls 911 because black women aren’t playing fast enough

Coulda asked to play through. Just saying.

Did you see this bullshit?

Man who called police on black golfers: No weapons involved “other than her mouth”

YORK, Pa. — A man who called police on a group of black women golfers accused of playing too slowly at a Pennsylvania golf club denied to dispatchers that he was acting out of racism. Grandview Golf Club in York issued an apology following the April 21 incident. The women were club members and have described the experience, which began at the second hole, as demeaning and discriminatory.

In one of two recordings of 911 calls to police posted by the York Daily Record, the caller says the group was “holding everybody up” and one of the women accused the golf club of racism.

The caller told a dispatcher, “We have a tough situation here with a group of golfers that decides they don’t want to abide by the rules.”

Asked if the gofers had any weapons, Chronister said: “It’s even worse than that, but anyway I can’t …”

He then said no weapons were involved “other than her mouth.”

Steve Chronister

Steve Chronister

Let me begin with a few caveats. I don’t know how slowly the women were playing. I don’t know if the guy is racist. I don’t know what the woman said or if her tongue is weapons grade. Read more